I am a sexual assault survivor.
At 17, on New Year’s Eve, I was sexually assaulted by a man much older than me. A man who was my best friend’s cousin, a man who got us girls a hotel room in SF for New Years. I was drunk and high from alcohol and weed he has provided. All I wanted to do was sleep, but when my friends left the room he proceeded to attempt to rape me. I was so terrified, I pretended to be passed out, hoping he’d stop. The only reason he did was because my friends returned to the room. It still haunts me to this day.
I didnt report it. I didn’t even tell anyone. Because I was taught by you it was my fault for getting drunk.
At 22, I was assaulted again, this time I don’t even remember it because I was blacked out. The only reason I knew was because the next day I woke up in incredible pain and found a used condom in my trash.
I didn’t report it. I didn’t tell anyone. Again because I had been taught it was my fault.
Then, one day, a decade later, you as my father decided it would be a wise decision to make a callous remark about the Jane Doe who was raped by Brock Turner. And while I don’t remember the exact nature of your remark, I do remember it was regarding this being the price she paid for getting drunk and partying. And that she should’ve known something like this might happen to her.
And then….something inside me snapped.
And I looked at you, my own father, and I said to you “so are you saying it’s my fault I was raped, your own daughter was raped, because I got drunk?” I will never forget the look on your face. You never apologized however. You never took back what you said, or said that what happened to me made you rethink your rash words. No, you just got up and left. So to this day, I will always believe my dad thinks it is indeed my fault I was raped.
And to add to this belief, is the fact this conversation took place well before the election of 2016. And yet, when 2016 occurred, both of you proceeded to support and vote for Donald Trump. And admitted predator, in fact proudly a predator, and an alleged rapist himself.
What message does this send to your own daughter, a survivor of assault?
It tells her that what she went through doesn’t matter. All that matters is this rich, white man was promising you a wall that would never be built, and an end to Roe v. Wade, which never effected you but would affect millions of other young girls. Including survivors like me.
Do I love my you? Of course. Are you good people? Yes, I truly believe you are. But there is a part of me, inside, that will never be able to forgive you. For teaching me it was my fault, for not being there for me when it happened, and for not supporting me or others like me a decade later when told what occurred.
You are the reason we don’t report. You are the reason we don’t tell our stories. You may love us, but you don’t believe us. You blame us. And then you vote for people who would hurt us that same way, and you support them and turn a blind eye to our pain.
I will always love you. But, I have learned from your actions, both silent and vocal. And I am raising my children, the next generation and future of this country, as differently as possible.
Because we deserve to be heard. We deserve to be believed. And we deserved better from our own parents.
From The Ashes 